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Saturday, December 27, 2003
hmmmm

well, i've been posting on my old blog recently...not here. so if you've been wondering why i haven't posted, go re-discover me, my life and all that jazz. i'm out.

Posted at 11:09 am by MJ
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Monday, December 22, 2003
like limp celery

i am such a fucking girl. even worse, i feel like a hilary duff song.

"Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
ĎCause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down..."

except that i'm not coming clean. i still feel wretched. but even a wretch has feelings. and i don't have any sanity left to wash away. i know i just sound like "another depressed teenager" who thinks she's "insane" because things got a little intense. but i'm a sick person. i got mad at myself today for eating. no, i don't believe in starving myself. but i wasn't hungry. not for food. there's a big whole in me somewhere. i'm sorry barbra novak, chocolate will never fill emotional holes. i'm still not hungry for food. ever. but i ache to fill this x-void. it's like i'm stuck in a seemly insolvable equation where the only song i can really hear is 3 a.m. and the only thing i can feel is emptiness and cold. i thought i could tolerate the sun again. i thought i was ready to push the clouds away. but i still prefer the dark.

and then i get angry at myself for thinking these things. for being so selfish. for being so cliche. for being such a hypocrite. i went to marj's party saturday night where i ended up hanging out with george and michael in freddy's room. i found a miniature [dull] hunting knife. i asked both boys, "if you were to go about slitting your wrists, how would you do it?" both of them showed me a sideways cut. "no," i said, "follow the vain" and i traced an imaginary vertical cut on my wrist. "how do you know all of this, maggie?"

boy, if i had a dollar for everytime i've been asked that question i wouldn't need to win the lottery. i'd be a rival to bill gates.

i know things. i noticed things. but mostly, i remember the things i learn. i always remember birthdays. i remember things i shouldn't remember.

i don't remember how to cry anymore. but i want to. not because i'm sad--there will always be things that make me sad--but because i want to know that i remember how. i feel like there's an eternity of molten-emotions that needs to errput, but which can find no way out.

i'm cold. cold...i wrote this about a month ago.

seeping in like adamant poisonous gasses
with a single lethal purpose
cold consumes my senses
like ten thousand hideously cackling demons
attacking my body
with points of varying sharpness

the lonely sound of a solitary blatant note
piercing the silence like a cruel, swift spear

a lingering dampness
that never dries

too exhausted
even to tremble, i am left with no choice
but to surrender

just a random thought. i'm gone.

Posted at 04:53 pm by MJ
Comments (1)

Friday, December 19, 2003
...and i recall the many reasons why i hate trucks

so there i was, walking home from shoshie's house. 3 o'clock this afternoon. my favorite time of day in the winter, just before the sun starts to think about setting. not cold. the sky was blue and clear. quite peaceful.
and then along comes a truck.
i've always hated trucks. they're loud, they're big, they're obnoxious, they often hold men with ill-intentions...very american. so there i was, quite content on my mid-afternoon walk when a white truck storms by, kicking up obscene amounts of dust and going too fast. the air began to taste stale. shortly following came 2 more white trucks and a blue one--all having the same effect.
now, if i was i different kind of person, i might have stuck out my butt and my bossom as they raged past hoping to win a ride for being "cute." but that's not the person i am, and men who drive trucks are not the sorts of men i'm attracted to.
my father drives a truck. a big, blue, loud, obnoxious truck that i hate.
i wonder, when will people stop taking the little things for granted? when will i appreciate the friends i have and stop whining about being alone? when we will be able to step outside and fianlly notice the beauty that has been there all along?

when does want stop and acceptance begin?

Posted at 03:50 pm by MJ
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i guess i'll just post both places...

$5 to anyone who can guess who sings this song:

Letís go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
ĎCause perfect didnít feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle was no life
I defy

Chorus:
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
ĎCause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
Iím coming clean, Iím coming clean

Iím shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth beneath my skin
Oh, oh woah
ĎCause different doesnít feel so different
And going out is better than always staying in
Feel the wind

Chorus

IĒm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
Iím coming.........

Chorus

Posted at 12:58 am by MJ
Comments (1)

Thursday, December 18, 2003
*sigh*

i'm thinking switching back to blogger. the only thing i really didn't like was the commenting system, which i can easily change. but we'll see.

my old blog


Posted at 07:20 pm by MJ
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Wednesday, December 17, 2003
...and life goes on

i'm a bit fed up with blogger at the moment, so this will be my new home. you can still visit the old site here

question of the day (respond by commenting): if you had to give me an indian name (e.g. "dances with wolves"), what would it be and why?

best answer gets featured in my next praise-post (like the one in my privious blog about tiffany smith).

cheers.

Posted at 03:14 pm by MJ
Comments (3)


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